We are all the subjects of the greatest social manipulation scandal seen in all of human history. We’ve all heard the lies. We’ve all been subject to propaganda. None of us are free from it; we’ve all played right into his hand. Yes, I am talking about Nicholas Claus, colloquially known by many seemingly benign names such as “Pere Noel,” “Sinterklaas,” “Old Man Christmas,” “Father Christmas” and “Santa Claus.”

If your first thought reading this revelation was that I am crazy, I am sorry to inform you that you are merely a sheep in the fold of the great deceiver himself: the big man in the red suit. This message that I have for you, dear reader, is neither a happy nor a hopeful one, but rather one of grim facts of the matter that you must face if you wish to maintain the rights of liberty, property, the pursuit of happiness and free will. 

There is no use mincing words. Santa is a communist in the likes of Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong. Besides his fondness for the color red, and his similarity in appearance to Karl Marx (bold facial hair is a hallmark of marxists), his doctrine would make the U.S.S.R. seem moderate. Principally, Santa has no respect for the institutions of private property. Do you give him written permission to enter into your chimney? I think not! Does he even ask? Never! Giving out gifts every Christmas to millions of children “equally” while actually only rewarding the children of his version of communist party members (more on that analogy later) reeks of Stalinism. Rewarding children for being “nice” whilst punishing them with coal for being “naughty” is reminiscent of Mao Zedong’s social credit systems, in which citizens were rewarded based on how well they conformed to the will of the regime.

Santa is not only a communist with regard to his distribution of presents. His use of unpaid labor at the North Pole is also a human rights violation. Except he has so far escaped any form of international punishment for human rights violations on the grounds that his work force is not human! Furthermore, who exactly has jurisdiction over the North Pole? Democracy dies in the darkness of a 24-hour night. Why do you think he uses elves in the first place? Because they are immortal, easily manipulated, disenfranchised and wholly without advocate in the world. Even Lenin would be jealous of such a workforce of communists. If they complain or in any way express dissent, it is my belief that they are sent to the South Pole, where they are reduced to a brief existence as penguins. Yes, even those seemingly harmless charismatic flightless birds are in on the sham.

If, as I suspect many of you already are, you find yourself refuting my claims because Santa obviously is most generous in his gift giving in the states, which doesn’t seem very communist, think again. Santa is a communist: an Americentric communist. In most communist states, power is consolidated in the hands of the few “party elites” who are the bourgeoisie of the dictatorship of the proletariat. Well, in the Santa Soviet Socialist Republic (A.K.A. Earth), Americans are the party members. Americans are by far the most prolific propagators of the image of Santa as a jolly old man who should be admired. Christmas cards, Christmas music, Christmas candy, Christmas movies, The Hallmark Channel, plastic Christmas trees, the whole lot. Propaganda propagated by the prolific pro-democracy production prophets of progress: the American People. American children get more gifts the more they buy into the “Christmas Spirit”; the more Hallmark movies they watch, the more Mariah Carey songs they listen to and the more stockings they hang, the more Santa is delighted up in his lair at the North Pole. The party members are rewarded whilst also being indoctrinated.

But is he dangerous to us? Yes, extremely so. On the night of Christmas eve every year, Santa is estimated to visit 500 million households. In order to complete this in his allotted time of 31 hours (if he moves east to west using time zones to his advantage), he would have to move at roughly 2.3 million mph. If that doesn’t scare you, the fact that he and his reindeer can withstand the force exerted upon them by moving at such a speed in an open carriage (enough that he should be disintegrated before you can say “candy cane” twice) should be terrifying. He is unnaturally fast and unnaturally resistant to the laws of physics. To have such power consolidated in one man (though he is rumored to be so plump he can be reasonably counted as two) is a scary thought indeed.

So, dear reader, how does this affect you? You may be thinking that you don’t mind this jolly scheme, even if Marx himself would call it communist. Think again. How often is it that you don’t receive a gift you requested from the big man? It’s fair to say it happens more often than we’d like. This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the hallmarks of communism: supply shortage. You were probably told that the Christmas season is about more than getting; it’s about giving. I cry foul! Every communist dreams of a population that is sustained on the sustenance of an idea alone: a population whose material needs are ignored but in their blissful ignorance is reinforced by how “cheery” or “spirited” they are. Eggnog may satisfy the soul, but does it satisfy the stomach?

How long has Santa been up to this tyrannical tangent of terrible tricks? Nobody knows for certain. Or at least nobody has come forward with the information. I believe that Santa has infiltrated even the highest ranks of governments around the world, so he can conceal his diabolical schemes. He is popularly claimed to be immortal, his existence sustained just as long as the population still believes in “The Christmas Dream.” He employs pity, indulgence, greed and deceit in the chess game he plays; the board is Earth and the pawns are you and me.

One thing is for certain though. His lies are getting worse. He’s gearing up for something. Greed, perhaps one of the most basic human traits, is supposed to be eliminated in communist societies. But, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Santa is getting greedy. December is no longer enough for him—he’s encroaching on November and he’s even got his eyes on July! Christmas has a season, but Santa wants more than just that season. He wants to expand his manipulation all over the calendar.

But fear not my fellow Warriors of the Valley of the Delaware. Where there is a will, there is a way. I ask you, nay, I beg you to put an end to this madness. When that Americentric communist in the red suit slips down your chimney this December 24th, be ready. We will fight in the fireplace, we will fight beneath the tree, we will fight under the mistletoe and beside the stockings. We will fight with our wills, our ballots, our wit, our bravery, our skepticism, our intellect and our every last resource. This is not a battle of one human but of all humankind. Pity him not—he is a monster and an enemy of all mankind. Show no mercy, show no cheer. Let our banner be the Grinch and our anthem Ba! Humbug! Santa, if you are reading this, we, the free people of the world, have but one message. We will bring you to justice for your crimes.