For far too long, “eat the rich” has just been some metaphor—a slogan printed on millennial activists’ tote bags and a taunt shouted at protests against McDonald’s and Starbucks right before everyone goes home and orders DoorDash. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to take this phrase literally—or rather, more cannibalistically. Because if the mixed economy won’t feed us, then perhaps a mixed diet will.
Now, I’m not saying that we should just eat the rich out of spite because that’d be wrong, I think. I am saying that we should eat them out of necessity with a balsamic vinaigrette reduction. We’ve tried reforming the system, raising awareness and we’ve even tried politely asking rich people to stop launching themselves into space. And you know what? They didn’t listen, so at this point we might as well grab our fork-sized pitchforks and devour those snobs.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting we eat every rich person. Leave the self-made and the normal-ish ones alone. I’m talking about the reckless spenders, the ethically bankrupt and the people who somehow have “everything” yet take from everyone below them. We, the people, have to fight back and cannibalism is the greatest way to do it.
Critics will say this is barbaric, but to them I say: really, what’s more barbaric—eating the rich, or the rich eating everything else? Housing, healthcare, workers’ wages—these overweight plump pigs have been feasting on society for decades upon decades without stop.
Besides, even from a nutritional standpoint, the rich are probably good for you. Just think of all of those delightful antioxidants from the imported blueberries and artisanal matcha and their Pilate-toned proteins. I can practically taste the wellness on my tongue right now. Sure, they might be a bit high in saturated smugness, but as my mom always says, we have lemon.
Critics claim that this would set a dangerous precedent and could lead to the end of our world as we know it. To them I say: man, it was going to end anyway, so just let me have some fun before it does. Can’t a girl just live her life? We’ve already let the rich own the water supply, the news and half of the moon.
Let’s also not overlook the environmental benefits. Eating the rich would be—no, can be, a sustainable food source. They are free-range, globally distributed and an infinitely renewable resource, which I definitely learned in Biology—lesson three I think?
No, this isn’t about cruelty, or me just looking for an outlet to trumpet my hidden cannibalistic tendencies. It’s about balance, about turning exploitation into sustenance, about finally filling out those MyPlate balanced diets we learned about in elementary school. Imagine a future where every dinner plate is a symbol of not only change but equality, and where your side of mashed potatoes tastes just like Kris Jenner’s left arm. Wait… It is her left arm. Absolutely mouthwatering!
Even if it’s only metaphorically absorbed through digestion, it’s only right that we eat the rich, since the rich have been eating us alive since forever. It’s only fair that we return the favor—an eye for an eye, as some would say.
So let’s raise our utensils and say: Bon appétit!
